Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Sad night for me

First of all, thanks so much for commenting. At least I know someone reads my ramblings! It's okay to say "potty" and "poop" if you want to. It's all good. It just drives me personally insane. I sadly have to admit that even when I have to know Ping's status and Bill is with her, I have to ask him if she has "peed" or "pooped." I need to know so that I can adjust her diet. More fruit or less, you know? Okay, this conversation is sinking to an all time low!!!!!

I spent the day at home working on a big picture project. I have literally had so many pictures taken of Ping lately that I had to get rid of some old photos and put her pictures into the new frames. I ignored the phone and the computer so I could get it done. It's almost done. Now I want to wash the wall they hang on. Damn domino effect.

Tonight, the three of us were going to go to an event called the "Lights of Love." We went last year. Hospice took care of my mom for one day before she passed. So I am on their list for fundraising. So last year and this year, I got the letter inviting me to attend this event. I make a donation in my mom's name and it gets included in the program. So now I attend two of these events. One in Norwood for dad and one in Worcester for mom. Ping desperately wanted a bath and was crying for one. So Bill said he would give her a quick one. This is a plan we had from this morning when she told me she was "dirty!!!!" Anyhoo, she loves her bath time, so I went upstairs and said that they should stay home and have fun and I would go alone. My sweetest girls says "oh Mommy where are you going, it's dark outside?" So I said "Remember last week when I went to honor Grammy and Grampy at the tree lighting after that long drive?" She really didn't remember. I didn't espect her to. However, I explained that I really honored Grampy last week and this week it was time to honor Grammy. She doesn't really understand about these people who would have loved her, but aren't around anymore. She then said "Mommy don't be scared, it's dark out, okay?" God she makes my heart melt. I told her that if I got scared, I would think of her. She is so sweet and sensitive. I then headed out the door.

It was a nice memorial. They have a few speakers from Hospice. They then have a family that has used Hospice. That is a tearjerker. Then they shut off all the lights and turn on the Christmas tree that is covered in white lights and porcelain dove ornaments. Then the Wesley Ringers performed. They are group of women who play bells. I love listening to the bells. Tonight I just lost it. I didn't expect to. If Ping was there, she would have distracted me. However, I was there alone. Most people were there with others. There were some like me though, alone. I was grateful for the darkness. Nobody could see me cry in the dark. I found that I was holding my breath so I wouldn't make a sound. It wasn't fun. I was surprised it hit me like that. Never know when it's going to. It hit me the other day after swimming too. People were asking me who I buy for and they were telling me they were one in a family of ten or one in a family of eight and they had to get gift certificates for the grandchildren, etc. I told them that my husband wants eggnog. That is what he told Ping the other day. That Santa wants eggnog. I was joking to the other women that I was Santa since I was the one ordering the gifts. So one woman says to me "well your husband works right?" I said "yes, he does." She proceeded to tell me that his working is his contribution. I know she meant no offense, but I am hardly living life on one income. I do make money too. It was just a statement made by an older woman, but the conversation went on and I ended up walking out of there sad after explaining who I can't buy for and why. I guess it's just one of those weeks. The holidays are so emotionally charged. You tend to notice all the happiness around you and wonder why you don't share the same happiness as others. Mind you, this year is going to be wonderful because we have my saving grace, my Ping!

I found myself staring at the wall tonight while crying. I am so glad I went, but didn't like the burning eyes after the fact. I just kept saying "this is so not fair!!!!" However, I am not a victim! There are tons of people who have lost their parents young. There are tons of people who have lost their children. I hardly own the corner of pain. However, I just couldn't help my being sad when I kept thinking over and over that I attend two services every year now to honor my parents. I shouldn't be attending these services, I should be home and wrapping gifts while they keep the Pingster entertained. If only life could be arranged like you want it! On the other hand, I would have picked a young baby a long time ago. I wouldn't have waited for the CCAA in China to make a mistake and let one of the best little girls out of China. Their mistake is our gain.

I don't think it's unusual or selfish to want it all. So many people have it all. They may be missing a lot of things that we can't see, but if they have their parents, siblings and children, they have it all in my book!

Here is a YouTube clip of bell ringing if you have never heard it. This is Christmas music and fast. The music tonight was much more dramatic and fitting for the event.


Well I should head off to bed. Don't want to drown in the pool in the morning.

Hope you are well.

Mama Out!!!!!

1 comment:

Christina said...

I'm not huge on country music, but I did used to love Garth Brooks. He had a song out in the early 90s called, "Unanswered Prayers," and it reminds me of what you said about Ping--sometimes our best gifts are unanswered prayers, for what we ended up getting instead is so much better than what we thought we needed.

As for your parents, I send you hugs. There is no easy way to get through it. Cry when you need to. I cry any time I hear classical music, as it reminds me of my dad. I won't make it through Christmas Eve Mass.

Love you.