Monday, September 28, 2009

So depressed

After taking Ping to school, I sat down to tackle a project I hate. It's sorting through all the pictures I recently ordered so that I can put them in photo albums. Well something happened because 115 pictures were green. I had to order them again this evening. So now I have to wait for those before I can finish the project.

I also placed many calls to DCF today. I was able to talk with my social worker and they have found a place for Olivia. I am not sure where, but someone who will be able to take her for the duration of her time in the system. I know I could transfer to the foster care department and keep Olivia, but for what? So we can say goodbye in 6 months or a year? It's a terrible decision and one that I wished was never thrust upon us. Olivia has been with us for 5 1/2 weeks and I could not love her any more than if she was my own. She has grown so much and come so far. When Bill comes in the house, she lights up now. She smiles for me nearly constantly. She is now loving the exersaucer too. I feel used and abused. We decided that this was it. We will not take another child unless it is truly preadoptive! It's too hard for us.

I sat down with Ping today and told her that Olivia was probably moving on to another home this week. I was worried how she would feel. I said to Ping "How do you feel about that honey?" She says, "That is just perfect Mama." So I said "Sweety, what is perfect?" Clearly she is not listening to me and thinks I am saying something else. Ping replies "It is perfect that Olivia is going home Mama." I know in reality, she will miss her terribly. She misses Kaylee and we only had her a week. She asks about her all the time. I had to laugh at what Ping said though. I have been really sad since yesterday. I knew the day was coming, but I was trying to pretend it wasn't.

Wish us luck as we transition from a family of 4 back to a family of 3. You know I adore Ping more than anything in the world and I am truly grateful and thankful that we have her. That doesn't take the pain away from wanting another and it doesn't take away the pain of losing Olivia.

Mama Out!!!!!

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